Newborns: A Gentle Rant

Nature really dropped the ball on the whole newborn experience, didn’t it? Really makes you question the concept of intelligent design. If there is an all-knowing Creator, they are being a bit of an arse about this, quite frankly. I mean:

“Hi ladies! So, I think we’re all agreed this is the time you need to bring your absolute a-game. You have a helpless baby to raise, nurture and keep safe from all the many ills that could befall it. It’s a big ask, I know! How can I ease this burden during this delicate time? Uh-huh, yes, I hear you, well balanced hormones and a sleeping baby are good suggestions – but consider this instead: how about total exhaustion and debilitating sleep deprivation? That’s fair, right?

And amidst the exhaustion and nurturing, OBVIOUSLY you’re not going to have a chance to shower or get clean! I understand that, honey! No worries! Humans are pretty self cleansing, right? But also, I feel like it would be more fun if your newborn constantly vomited and shat on you, and yes – DEFO let’s ensure you just, like, cover yourself in your own milk constantly day and night. What’s that? Do I need to rethink the lack of shower situation? Um… nah, you know what it’s fine. You’ll be fine.”

What a gimp. Anyhow, it’s taken me 5 weeks to craft this gem, and that is time I should be spending diving briefly into the shower and rinsing bodily fluids from my person.

Suffice to say, I have not yet worked out how to become the incredible multi-business-mama warrior I was aiming for. Soon, my pretty, soon.

Having babies is – initially at least – ALL CONSUMING.

Love, Catherine AKA zzzzzzzzzzzzz

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